There are millions of homeless people in the ocean.

First, read this article(takes 1 min).... "Scientists say dolphins should be treated non-human persons". First, I find it amusing that the leading researcher is Lori Marino.

If you're that lazy and don't want to read, the quick summary of it is that dolphins are smart, probably even smarter than chimps, have the 2nd largest brain(scaling to body mass), can see the future, can tap-dance in the ocean, and they hate doing aerial backflips in public.

I remember one of the Simpsons episodes, where the dolphins invaded the land and basically wanted to kill everyone. Quite a bold prediction by Mr. Groening. But seriously, if they are highly intelligent, cultural animals capable of learning, visualizing themselves and future decisions then who really knows the species' limits. I've got somewhat of an idea, though.

Let's just say along comes one dolphin with fucked up front fins, kind of like a penguin. Dolphins like to play and shit, so this one starts putting sand together and basically makes sand castles. Lots of other dolphins see this and try to make their own sand sculptures but they are not nearly as good as the freak dolphin with three fingers. This attracts every single babe dolphin and he gets to have dolphin sex and pass along his messed up fins. The sand castle thing is a big hit and soon the dolphins with penguin hands get laid more and so on and so forth, literally every single dolphin has hands. The other fingers are developed with sand castle precision and other random stuff. Soon the dolphins find that hands are good at catching fish hiding in small places, but the ones with the longest fin-hands get the most fish which leads to healthier, more hook-up-able dolphin. Overtime fin-hands are developed into arms. And boom, you basically have merman and mermaids. Unfortunately, this evolutionary process has a million flaws.

The point I'm trying to make out of the article is why don't we treat them as DOLPHINS. If they are highly-intelligent, more sensitive, and shouldn't be held captive(which they want to be), then re-define the way we treat DOLPHINS, but for fuck's sake don't call them people. Which you are when you use the word "person" and I just checked and a person "is a human being, whether man, woman, or child"(diciontary.com). I don't know who to blame here, but to me the title reads, "Scientists say dolphins should be treated as non-human, human beings."

So, the next time you see a dolphin whether it be wild, at sea world, or an aquarium, at least give it a little bowl of soup, because we all know how much homeless people like soup.

HEY, WE'RE PEOPLE TOO