Izzy

Well I'm on day 5 of strep throat and let me tell how fun its been. I was getting a sore throat Wednesday and thought it was uncomfortable, but not terrible. Thursday, I couldn't swallow without cringing. WebMd told me it might be strep. Friday, I saw the doc, and his diagnosis was, "hey, have you taken a look at this thing yourself?" Um, no. "Oh man, well your throat is bright red, and one of your tonsils is white and leaking puss." That's appaling thanks for sharing that. The great thing about strep, is that meds don't do squat, cough drops, throat spray...nothing. So basically, strep led to me being unable to eat, sleep, or drink.

Other side effects of strep throat included unhealthy amounts of Facebook, 5 hrs minimum of Sportscenters, and excitement concerning the Golden Globes. Also, I know what exactly each fast food chain is trying to push right now.

McDonalds - Macwrap.
Burger King - $1 Double Cheeseburger. Larger than McD's.
Wendy's - Nothing special.
Taco Bell - 7 item Healthy thing. 7 Layer Burrito - 89c. Not an inside deal.
KFC - Fiery Grilled Wings.
Arby's - Don't see those anymore.
In and Out - Breakfast anytime you want it.
Sonic - Damnit. I've seen a few of these but can't remember.

Anyway, my illness is coming to a close and not only has it upset me with general discomfort, but it kept me out of a hilarious tragedy that happened to my lovely pet, Isabella.

This is the first time, I've talked about Iz, so let me start from the beginning. This might take a while.

After finishing college, many times, people feel the urge to get a dog. I wanted one, and I still do, but that is just not feasible in Bermuda mostly due to the ridiculous cost of dog food and everything associated. Second, I'd hate to keep a dog couped up in my tiny ass apartment all day long.

So, obviously instead of being defeated by no canine. You start to brainstorm to what is feasible. Luckily, the Wind is a fantastic breeding ground for retarded ideas and bad decisions. I'm not saying Isabella was a bad decision, but drinking and hypothesizing at the Wind until 3am most often distorts reality.

It started out as a joke between myself and another co-worker. We have goats nearby, and thought they were pretty awesome. There's about 4-5 goats that live at an energy plant across from BIOS, and these guys don't want to pay for lawncare, so they just have 5 goats walking around. That's like handing 600 dollars to the landscaping guys, and say "Hey you, cut my grass forever."

So, more and more we found more and more positives of having a goat, like, Street Cred...around BIOS, maybe being able to ride it, having our own herd, being able to walk out at lunch to hang out with a goat, listening to the ridiculous noises they make, and just in general raising a baby goat. Who gets to do that?

Talks about a goat went on for at least 4 months. Then hype started building up, where would we keep it, should we tell BIOS, what happens if it doesn't work out? Answers came easily, field next to our housing-tied up with room to move, no, and eat it. So, on July 25, my buddy, John, and I, rode into St. George's farm to work out a deal with a baby goat.

We picked out a beautiful baby goat, female, that was about 4 months old.


She's beautiful, isn't she. A. Mazzenga was also around during this time and came up with a pretty awesome, irrevelent name for her, Cinderblock. However, the name Isabella was proposed and was quickly accepted over CB.

Now remember, we didn't tell BIOS we were getting this goat, we just hoped on showing up with an adorable baby goat, there could be no refusal for its adoption. Everybody loved Isabella as soon as she showed up, but Izzy's first reaction(which I don't blame her) was to shit everywhere. This is a common theme with her. She just got seperated from 25 goats and her mom and now was on a lease. She wouldn't walk, but was easy enough to carry. We were told by the farmer that it'd be a few weeks before Izzy would settle down. We didn't know how freaked out she'd be to start though.

We had her set up next to our apartment housing, in a large field, with tons of access to bushes, grass, and a shelter, which was a a underneath a halfpipe. Mostly everyone thought this was a good solution, until we built our enclosure. We didn't realize that literally everyone at BIOS had owned or raised goats in their life and we were bombarded by advice and about what we were doing wrong. We took all the advice into consideration, but knew many people were calling us irresponsible idiots. Whatever, its a goat, she'll be fine.

Isabella spent the next week or so, crying in the morning, not eating her food(apples, bread, carrots), and getting herself wrapped up in the bushes. I've never seen an animal so clueless with its restraints. Still, she seemed to be enjoying herself, we took her for walks and she loved them, and finally she started to eat everything in her site. She had visitors walk by her every few hours to pet and chat with her. She was treated pretty well. Apparently, we did know how well until one night, when I saw a tent popped up right outside Izzy's half pipe.

This was at midnight or so and I was coming home from the Wind and noticed the tent. I knew exactly who it was. The previous morning, I woke up early to take Izzy for a walk, only to find she was missing. She hadn't escaped from her lead, but it was removed. God damnit, who the hell steals a goat. I started a quick jog around BIOS, and I first checked a place we walk to regularly. Yep, there she was with another technician and she feeding her an assortment of fine nuts and fruit. The culprit was Meg, and I was fucking pissed off, but didn't show it.

Me: Oh hey, Meg, thank god, you have her. I thought she was stolen.
Meg: Oh.
Me: Yeah, maybe you should tell us if you're gonna take her for a walk.

Meg says nothing. I go hang out with Izzy, while she's playing on rocks/licking them. Basically, waiting for Meg to leave too. That's not happening though. I told her, I needed to get to work and it was time for Izzy to get back home. So Meg and I walked her back. So, obviously I'm thinking, why the hell is this woman so attached to a goat, it's not even hers, she spent half of saturday reading on the grass next to it. The best description of Meg is a frumpy, lonely, crazy lady. Which, wasn't the case before I knew her goat obsessions, she was actually quite nice, but just quiet.

So, I knew who was in the tent. And the following morning, John and I thought it'd be a good idea to have a chat with her. So, I walked to work, thinking about what I'd say to Meg, and was delightfully surprised when I saw this on my email account. The following email was addressed to the BIOS public, all-encompassing, corporate wide email group, that has almost anyone that has ever been to BIOS and is associated with it. Here we go, this is awesome...

"John and Doug:

Seriously, do the two of you share a single brain cell?

As if it's not bad enough that you didn't ask permission to get this goat, haven't provided it housing, and haven't fed it since getting it on Friday (the bacon she didn't want to eat notwithstanding), now I see you can't even operate a bale of hay?!?!? I mean at least you've finally gotten her some food, but come on it's just beyond cruel to put it near her when she can't get it and hasn't eaten properly since she arrived.

So here are some basic hay bale operation instructions:

1. Put it ON the pallet, not next to it That way the bottom of the bale stays dry. I mean since you've just spent $400 on a goat and are now broke you don't want to waste any of that hay do you!?

2. OPEN IT!!! Use a knife or scissors to cut the string, so she can get the hay out and into her mouth. So I opened this one for you, but I'm leaving soon so try to remember those two basic principles, ok?

Also since she's terrified of children and wasn't dehorned you should really warn everyone about the danger of kids getting near her. I mean like I've been telling you since May you're probably going to get evicted for this stunt, but criminal negligence charges when some poor kid loses an eye are a whole different story!

Meg"

So, you can see Meg is insane. First, John and I have many brain cells and keep them to ourselves. Second, what is housing for a goat? I know now, she meant, why is she not living in a tent. Third, she was getting ample food, water, and not bacon. Fourth, the bale of hay was completely in her reach, and still strung together, for ease of movement. Basically every single one of her statements is a fabricated lie. This obviously upset us, but mostly it was calling us out on a bullshit price for the goat and calling us broke. If you were at ANY other company, and you publicly called out someone's financial situation, you'd be fired immediately.

After that got sent out, John and I got several emails sympathsizing to us or requesting the use of our single, brilliant brain cell. In short, we called her out, got her to apologize. That same night, we had to drag Isabella out of the tent AGAIN, where Meg was most likely molesting it. Luckily, there was an empty apartment, someone was moving into so she was able to spent the night inside.

A few minutes after this photo was taken, she took a piss and a dump all over the bed. I thought this was hilarious.

After that night we decided we needed to find Isabella a different home. She was in a very public place, and our idea of raising her would be ridiculed no matter what. We already had a backup, so we moved her to a friend and neighbor of BIOS, who before buying the goat, said he'd help us out if anything ever went wrong. His son wanted a goat, they had already had a sheep, so there was fencing, a small shed for it, and a kick ass dog for company. Perfect. But, we couldn't let Meg abuse us over email, so I sent this back out, Titled - BBQ Canceled...

"Hi everyone,

There are some things that need to be cleared up. Upon purchase of our goat, we were very, very excited to raise her on mint jelly and bacon. After several days of fighting the urge to barbeque, we've decided we quite like Isabella. In case nobody realized, Isabella is Greek for 'tasty feast'.

Many of you have emailed your concerns and those that we have addressed are aware that we have FULL intentions on raising Isabella in proper conditions. We appreciate everyone's advice and have used much of it already. And please, if you do have concerns, please raise them to us (in an appropriate forum) as we have talked to as many people as possible to assure a happy goat and can answer many of your questions. Our next step is a proper enclosure for Isabella, that will provide a place to walk free, have access to shrubbery and shade, and also include a shelter that would give her comfort at night and during hot days.

Thank you, Doug and John"

So for the past 7 months, Izzy, has been living a wonderful life, next door, and seems quite happy. She's got a full yard of shrubs and grass to devour, has two little kids who adore it, gets visits from the parents almost daily.

From raising a goat, I've learned a few things:

-Goats will literally eat anything that is not appetitizing. I gave her a banana and she went straight for the peel. She loves cardboard and cigarette butts.
-Goat shit is the most beautifully wrapped excrement I have ever seen.
-A goat does not care about you, no matter how much care you give it. All it wants to do is eat.
-It will fight anything that looks its size. Izzy hates the lawnmower and will butt it for hours.
-From all the advice I got about goats...almost none of it helped or applied to Isabella.

All the advice, give it hay, give it goat feed, she's gotta have a cold water. All that crap is non-sense. It is a goat. Her happiest moment, is finding a new bush she wasn't seen in a while. I'm serious, I see her for a few minutes each day and she seems pumped, then she just starts looking at the ground and ignores me. People complained that she's a herd animal and needs her herd...not if she grows up without one. My conclusion is that Isabella has not been a bad decision...could of handled it better, but she has got to be one of the most priveledged goats on the island.

Damn, this has been one hell of a post. Thought I needed to share the whole story. Isabella's latest adventure, occured, Friday, while I was inmobile with strep. Apparently, Iz fell into the yards shit-pit, 2m deep. She was found crying, covered in shit. I find it kind of ironic because she shits on everything...


and always greets with a shit and a piss...


However, she was saved quickly. A ladder was dropped down and she was smart enough to climb up it. After a blast from the hose, she was ok. Very disappointed I missed out on that action.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed the story of Isabella, and I'm sure she'd love any of you to come visit.